As The Papers are Served.......

I received divorce papers in the mail Wednesday afternoon.  I was surprised on many levels, as my husband had retained a lawyer after we had agreed to use an online law paperwork type site.  We had also agreed to a no contest or irreconcilable differences.  No, he is suing for divorce on the grounds of fraud.  I could have sued him for cruelty, abuse or even fraud, citing his inabilities in marital relations.  (You may think that's TMI, but I could be much more specific.) I was floored by that fact there is also a restraining order.  What in the Hell?  He was the one harassing ME!  In any event, he cannot contact me, either. He may or may not have left his job in the big city to be closer to his mother, who was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer.  When it rains it pours. 

I have only ever asked him to help me in getting set up in a new place, maybe a bed or some money for furniture.  I left all kitchen equipment other than items that had sentimental value, and will have very little for whatever new place I may find.  Sure, I have a few dressers and a dining room table, but will sleep on an inflatable bed if I have to, but I sure as hell don't want to.  I'm no camper.  I have applied for legal aid to help me get some type of settlement, just a few thousand dollars.  He makes plenty.

This has been quite an emotional week with receiving these shocking papers, and my niece had dental surgery this week on her sixth birthday, I was rather flu-ish, and missed two nights of work.  Lots of tears have been shed, no doubt about it.

A Pity Party of Sorts

I made it through the day 10/10/10 - my/our first and I hope only wedding anniversary.  I was moderately irritated all day at the fact that I was scheduled to work in the evening.  I was feeling a little sorry for myself, but happy that I would not hear from my estranged husband.  After yet another nasty exchange via text Friday morning, I was at the mobile phone store to change my phone number, and that evening after work, I blocked his email addresses.  I had hoped for a few calls or messages or cupcakes of course, to help me through the day.  I finally called my mom and started in on her a little bit.  I understand her thought which was not to mention the anniversary until I brought it up, but that didn't soothe me.
Anyway.
I really thought we would have had a happy anniversary.  I married with my whole heart surrounded with family and friends in a beautifully beaded ivory dress with my sapphire blue shoes and my groom in a tuxedo - the only time I've ever seen him in a tie.  We didn't have a traditional reception, just a dinner for everyone.  I wanted to surprise him with a wedding type cake to celebrate today, and I was going to make him a card from homemade paper, to honor the paper tradition.
Work was so slow, causing me to ponder how to find an ideal second job.  I'm happy to be home in my jammies with the dogs and cat asleep around me, that this day is behind me.  One of the last conversations I'd had with the husband included him telling me he would be visiting family in Texas to avoid being in the house we lived in together on this memorable date.  He mentioned he will be moving to Tennessee in December, so I could potentially have my city back.  I still don't have any plans. 

I made it through Wal-Mart without seeing any baby supplies, so I managed not to cry there.  Now that I'm home, I'm a little more shaky, but I'm grateful that 10/10/10 is over.  I made it.

Did I miss out?

I was overcome today with being 41 and separated and childless.  Sure, I have dogs and the cat, although I always thought I'd have children.  Over 16 years ago, I was faced with a surprise pregnancy, and carried a baby girl to term and placed her for adoption.  She lives in Southern California in a gated community and gets to go to Hawaii for her birthday.  She certainly lives a better life than I could have imagined for her, and all I asked out of them was that they celebrated Christmas and she would have a stay at home mom.  I'm so incredibly lucky that I have seen her grow up through photos and letters, and now, we are Facebook friends. 

I've struggled over the years with missing her, of course.  I know I could have raised a child, probably co parented with her birth father, and moved on.  Maybe I would have done more with my life if I had a child to put first.  Who really knows, right?  I used to worry about having other children, as I didn't want my firstborn to think she wasn't good enough and any subsequent children would make her feel like they were replacements.

I was engaged one other time, and we were going to have babies immediately after the wedding.  Thankfully, I did not marry that one, and it took me years to date again.  Years.  Sure, I saw a few men here and there, but there wasn't any one of any significance until I fell in love and married my husband.  We were going to have babies right away, too.  On our wedding night, we were a no go, and it was all downhill after that.  So much for the newlywed phase.  He suddenly didn't want children, it was too expensive, we should be married longer, he was too unsure of himself to parent, any other excuse he could manage to shut me up.  Of course, I knew better than to bring a baby in to a shaky marriage, but I always hoped we could pull it together to start a family.  I always encouraged him in the bedroom, but his childhood abuse always won.

I'm so in love with my niece and nephews; I find myself thinking I could have done a good job with my own.  I want to braid a little girl's hair, paint her nails, and take a boy to baseball games and teach him to hold doors for ladies.  I realize these are 'traditional' roles for children, but it's my dream.  I'm damn near tears each time I shop and see the baby supplies I don't think I'll ever get to buy unless it's for another friend's baby shower.  In Wal Mart, for example, I know to buy the dog food from the back of the store, starting in the bread aisle, and exiting in the same way to avoid the baby strollers diapers and adorable onesies.  I almost hyperventilated attaching this picture of a baby girl's room I found in a Google search.  Mia is one of my favorite girl's names!  I'll probably have to use it on my next dog.

It doesn't seem that I will be able to afford to adopt any time soon, and again, what message would that send to the little girl I would have called Amelia?  This is a good question for the therapist.  I need to make another appointment to see her, and still need to fill the prescription if I'm going to move forward.  Lord, I need to move on.