Did I miss out?

I was overcome today with being 41 and separated and childless.  Sure, I have dogs and the cat, although I always thought I'd have children.  Over 16 years ago, I was faced with a surprise pregnancy, and carried a baby girl to term and placed her for adoption.  She lives in Southern California in a gated community and gets to go to Hawaii for her birthday.  She certainly lives a better life than I could have imagined for her, and all I asked out of them was that they celebrated Christmas and she would have a stay at home mom.  I'm so incredibly lucky that I have seen her grow up through photos and letters, and now, we are Facebook friends. 

I've struggled over the years with missing her, of course.  I know I could have raised a child, probably co parented with her birth father, and moved on.  Maybe I would have done more with my life if I had a child to put first.  Who really knows, right?  I used to worry about having other children, as I didn't want my firstborn to think she wasn't good enough and any subsequent children would make her feel like they were replacements.

I was engaged one other time, and we were going to have babies immediately after the wedding.  Thankfully, I did not marry that one, and it took me years to date again.  Years.  Sure, I saw a few men here and there, but there wasn't any one of any significance until I fell in love and married my husband.  We were going to have babies right away, too.  On our wedding night, we were a no go, and it was all downhill after that.  So much for the newlywed phase.  He suddenly didn't want children, it was too expensive, we should be married longer, he was too unsure of himself to parent, any other excuse he could manage to shut me up.  Of course, I knew better than to bring a baby in to a shaky marriage, but I always hoped we could pull it together to start a family.  I always encouraged him in the bedroom, but his childhood abuse always won.

I'm so in love with my niece and nephews; I find myself thinking I could have done a good job with my own.  I want to braid a little girl's hair, paint her nails, and take a boy to baseball games and teach him to hold doors for ladies.  I realize these are 'traditional' roles for children, but it's my dream.  I'm damn near tears each time I shop and see the baby supplies I don't think I'll ever get to buy unless it's for another friend's baby shower.  In Wal Mart, for example, I know to buy the dog food from the back of the store, starting in the bread aisle, and exiting in the same way to avoid the baby strollers diapers and adorable onesies.  I almost hyperventilated attaching this picture of a baby girl's room I found in a Google search.  Mia is one of my favorite girl's names!  I'll probably have to use it on my next dog.

It doesn't seem that I will be able to afford to adopt any time soon, and again, what message would that send to the little girl I would have called Amelia?  This is a good question for the therapist.  I need to make another appointment to see her, and still need to fill the prescription if I'm going to move forward.  Lord, I need to move on.