"Tis the Season

Sure, yesterday was Thanksgiving, and we had turkey with all the 'fixins' as they say.  I traveled with my cousin to meet my folks and brother's family at my sister in law's mom's boyfriend's parent's house.  Still with me?  I kept thinking of last year, as my husband and I traveled here to see family.  He made me miserable on the ride here, complaining all the way, and I sat on the couch with his at all time.  I missed visiting with the vast majority of my family, as I was essentially babysitting him to be sure he wouldn't pitch a fit later.  I was miserable.  It was slightly awkward at this strange house, although we were treated like royalty and made to feel very welcome.  I do not do very well in strange homes for some reason.  Today, I'm just bothered at I don't have any leftover turkey or gravy.  I may have to do one during the week at some point for the rest of us to enjoy.

I'm particularly thankful I don't have children during the time of this divorce.  I'm continually thinking that soon I will have no connection to my soon to be ex husband.  I received a bill addressed to the ex today; it was mistakenly forwarded by the post office, I guess.  (Our first names are Alyssa and Alan.)  I called my mother in law to tell her I would forward it to her.  She sounded great, and was as cordial as I could have expected.  I told her she would forever be in my prayers, and she is one of the greatest people I have ever met.  I feel so much better after finally getting to speak to her.

I finally started waiting tables at the steakhouse place this week.  The servers here are very helpful, but damn, this place is dirty.  I'm sure as Hell hoping the money adds up quickly so I can make a move towards greater independence.  I'm hoping to have a better financial outlook by the new year.  That's when everyone starts over, right?

The family stayed with my sister in law's mom these last few nights, so the house is so very quiet.  Here I sit with three dogs staring at me as I type and eat popcorn, and the cats circle each other behind the couch.  We have all coexisted here for almost four months, and my cat is still bullying their cat.  I feel sorry for her.  She's very sweet.  The movie Semi-Pro is on; and I feel like Will Farrell owes me some sort of payback for listening to this crap.  Oh, I said it, alright.  I may dig through my storage unit, which is the garage, to find some Christmas lights to brighten up my area downstairs.

I signed up for Blog Frog last week and seem to have had a few more people read my blog this week.  I'm not ready for world domination or anything; but I have had two views from South Africa.  Amazing, huh?

I was so close!

I found an apartment that would have worked for me and the pets, and it's across the street from the niece and nephew's school.  They are giddy at the thought of walking to my place after school.  The landlord is a very pleasant fellow; we spoke for nearly an hour after he showed me the apartment.  It almost felt like a first date!  He's willing to work with me on deposits and the rent, and seemed to offer me a chance to help out in his office for extra cash, or a chance to deduct from the rent.

Then reality set in.  My paycheck was a little bit smaller than I had anticipated, and car insurance was due, I needed some groceries and pet food, gas for the car, and I'm down to just enough to get flea treatments for everyone with four legs.  I called the landlord to tell him I had to let the apartment go due to lack of funds.  He almost sounded concerned about where I would live, but I can stay here with my family a little longer.  He said he almost takes these Holiday months off to entertain family and hunt, so the apartment will be available whenever I need it.  He thanked me for being upfront with him, and said he still wanted to help me.  I've made reasonable tips these last few weeks, and my next check could be sizeable, but then the car payment and phone bill will be due.

I was hired for the steakhouse chain, and start Sunday night with an Orinetation and first follow.  I'm hoping to make cash money by the weekend after Thanksgiving.  *Fingers crossed*  But wait!  The Banquet Manager at my hotel wants to train me as his Captain.  I hear it can be a great deal of money, but it may not allow me to continue at the steakhouse.  And it could be inconsistent, the hours, that is.  Six or seven days one week, and only two or three the next.  I can still serve to keep up in hours.  I suspect I will take the job.  Why in the hell not?  And it does seem that I can start making more right away.  Maybe I could get that apartment- just a few weeks later.

It's important to say again, I'm so amazingly grateful for my family for allowing me and my pets to stay here, and not making me feel pressured to get out.  My close friend has been my biggest cheerleader, and I visit my Grams for a hug regularly.  She calls me her 'saving grace' and who doesn't appreciate hearing that?

My sister in law had a birthday Monday, and I bought her a few Hazelnut Cream scented candles in a wooden tray.  She had mentioned it was becoming 'candle weather', and how much she enjoyed the smells.  I love the way they smell, too!  I will need some for whatever new place I may inhabit.

Feeling somewhat defeated.

I did qualify for legal aid, but since I was not in a domestic abuse situation, I was pretty much told that they couldn't help me.  They have so many abuse situations needing help, that they are the only cases being taken at this time.  The paralegal that called tried to be helpful, but it was apparent that was my only phone call.  He did send me an email link to file a response to the court.  It does seem, though, that I will be expected to go to court to have this finalized.  I may call the husband's lawyer tomorrow to see if we change the grounds for divorce if we can just file and be done with this.  I really thought I wouldn't have to lay eyes on that former love of mine ever again. 

I called the city to see about getting some low cost counseling and was told to apply for Medicaid if I want any help.  Really?  I almost threw my phone across the front yard.  (I had gone outside as my nephew was throwing a hissy fit about homework.)

My coworker and I were told we sucked on Saturday night when we waited on the owner and his family and friends Saturday night.  He certainly expressed his displeasure to us when his party waited over 40 minutes for dinner.  Guess what?  That happens to everyone.  I don't know why he was so surprised; most of the feedback we get from the guests is how slow the service is.  I can't begin to count how many times I have ordered drinks for my guests, only to find the bartender is in the back talking to her favorite cook.  I did have lovely guests tonight, and I really need their generosity to add up so I can come up with the money I need to make my next move.  I was only schedule four shifts this week; I really need to be aggressive about picking up shifts and taking every table and room service I can possibly get.  I must be tip top for my interview on Thursday afternoon.

I miss my Grams; I haven't been feeling so hot, and I have avoided visiting her as to not infect her or any of the other residents.  I've been calling, but she's so busy that she's not often in her room.  She does have caller ID so she at least knows I've been trying to reach her.

I want to drown my sorrows in a cupcake!  I'm not spending any money.  Must save.

Today seemed like I accomplished something

I went to meet a landlord in sort of a half assed attempt to see if I could get in to an apartment - I don't have any money, really, and I just told the guy I could pay a deposit if my check was enough on the 15th.  He seemed pretty agreeable.  It's a one bedroom, and it has a basement for storage and laundry, and pets are allowed, of course.  I hung out with the guy for over an hour, just shooting the breeze about whatever came up.  Strangely, it almost seemed like a first date of sorts.  It's across the street from the church my family attends, where the kids also go to school. They are excited to walk over after school.

Also, I convinced the manager at a peanut shells on the floor type of steakhouse to interview me Thursday.  My fingers are crossed I can start making cash before I have to start paying rent on December 1.  Please cross yours, too, loyal readers.  I'm hoping to get hired and start right away.  I need almost everything to start over in this apartment.  I fully expect to shop for many things in a second hand store or on Craigs List.

Then an evening at the hockey rink watching kids practicing, and a quick service family dinner.  A day totally worthy of a shower and makeup.

I'm just sick about this

The last communication I had with my husband was a text telling me his mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer.  I responded that they would all be in my prayers.

I'm sick about his because my mother in law is one of the most delightful and sprited people I've ever met. She's a writer, she rows, she's in all sorts of book clubs, she's a world traveller, she left an abusive marriage after 30 years and found love again.  I can only imagine how this is affecting my husband.  To say he has issues is a true understatement, and I don't know how he would begin to cope with such a serious situation befalling his mother.  I had surgery just over three years ago to have two herniated discs removed had had bone grafts and titanuim plates and screws to hold me together.  He was my rock in every sense of the word.  He took me to every appointment and asked more questions than I could have imagined, filled my prescriptions, and cooked every meal for me for weeks at a time.  I'm certain he will take spectacular of her, and do crazy amount of research to help.  I suspect he will make her a little crazy, as he did that to me, too.

He may or may not be in Texas with her now.  I'm pretty sure he quit his job, and I don't think he would stay in our city if his mom is so sick.  I'd like to send her a card at the very least, just to tell her I will always wish her the very, very best.  I know better than to think we would correspond, and I don't ever plan on seeing her again.  My dear friend, (and first loyal follower) quite astutely pointed out that no matter what happens, no matter what, I cannot have anything to do with her because with my husband would forever blame me for ruining whatever memory he may have at that time.  I'm obviously blamed for any number of things that happened throughout the days that we were living as a couple.

It's time to set the clocks back an hour, as Daylight Savings Time has come to an end.  It's one of those days you get that extra hour to sleep, and nearly everyone gets to wake up well rested.  Tomorrow, my nephew has a hockey game, and I may take my niece to a movie to give her a little girly time.  We eat popcorn and candy and discuss whatever comes to mind.  We often visit Grams after the movies, and that makes her day.  It's so easy to make her day. 

Is it worth it?

Today is Tuesday, and it's been a few days since I called my marital state to see about getting legal aid in my divorce.  I'm still truly bothered by the fact I'm being sued for fraud or divorce.  I could have sued him first for abuse, but didn't.  I may have mentioned earlier that we had agreed to a no contest divorce.  The lady I spoke to at the legal aid office said they would make a decision as to whether or not I'm eligible for assistance in 3-5 business days.  I'm just waiting.

I truly don't understand if for whatever I don't get approved for aid, if I should just sign the paperwork and be done with it.  Just be divorced.  Or annulled.  What kind of permanent record is there for divorce?  I know divorces are public record, but what about the fraud part?  Will that be made public?  Will people just know the details of my divorce?  Of course, these are also questions for a lawyer, assuming I can get one.  When I return to my maiden name, will I also have to continue to say I also had my married name?  I know, I know, a question for the lawyers.  I will have to wait to hear from the husband's attorney to see if he is even still employed.  If he did quit to move home to tend his mom, I'd be trying to get blood from a turnip.  I had considered trying to get a portion of his annual bonus to help me begin again, but that would also be off the table.

I was speaking to a dear friend last night and began sobbing as I told her I may have moved on by deciding I pretty much hated my husband last night for the pain he caused, for the times he had screamed at me, and chased me through the house as I tried to avoid his anger.  My dogs hid from him, too, as they huddled together on their couch.  I used to always forgive him as he cried and apologized, but I could never forget.  I had another wave of relief this morning as I woke up and was thankful that no one has raised their voice to me in three months.  Three months now I have been broke as hell, lonely, depressed, and frustrated, but I have also been relaxed, loved, respected, and thanked by both family and coworkers.  I haven't had any health flare ups, and have been slightly more motivated to be more active.  I love how excited the dogs get to see my pull out my hot pink iPod - that means we're going out!