Alzheimer's Disease Sucks Ass on Every Possible Level.

My poor Grams is a wreck.  She is convinced that my mom is stealing from her, and that the staff at her facility is stealing her cookies that came from our cousin in England.  I've seen where she has stashed them, and  I'm amazed she can find them to even say they are missing.

I missed a call from her while I was at work, and when I returned her call, she was loaded for bear.  She stated that I am the 'biggest disappointment of her life'.  That title is generally reserved for my Mom.  Ordinarily, I am her 'Saving Grace.' or 'Lifesaver.'  I have always toed the line between my Mom and Grams when it comes to my Grams being in a memory care facility. She is convinced that my mom has 'dumped her' to get control of her money.  We have never told her how much it costs for her to stay there; it's nearly $4000.00 a month.  She could have been 'dumped' anywhere that costs considerably less and further away from all of us. She is in the very best place in the entire Midwest. Today I was shunned for not attacking my Mom with her.  After I clocked out, I went by to give her a hug, and she just cried about how I let her down.  It's the disease.  I've lost her to this - rotting of her brain.  She didn't have a stroke and die, or a heart attack.  She's as healthy as a horse, and she will die not knowing what is happening to her.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

She has refused to eat tonight.  Fine.  She'll live.  She told me she wants to die tonight. She states she will never eat again.  The staff will put her in a hospital, and she will lose what's left of her dignity.  I told her no matter where she ends up, I will always visit.  The CNA there sort of told me these episodes are part of dealing with Alzheimer's.  The staff had called the doctor on call to ask for a pill to calm her tonight.  I guess she had a standing order for one, but since she never needed it, they did not renew the order.  They were going to add the Ativan to her nightly pills as to not let her think they were going to drug her.  That's another accusation she has from time to time.  That the staff tries to medicate everyone to turn them in to zombies.  She often points to other residents and tells me that they are over medicated.

Screw Alzheimer's!  I want my Grams!

I am....... Comfortably numb

I haven't been to therapy for almost two months.  I am getting ready to pay this months rent, and with car payments, phone, pet care, etc, I haven't spent the money for it.  Don't get me wrong, I still eat out nearly every meal.  I just can't bring myself to cook.

I love my therapist.  She's a delight, and I love that she cusses when she speaks of my ex husband.  One of the last things we discussed was making the effort to feel everything.  She says I internalize everything.  I used to be a complete hothead that would scream anything at any time.  Maybe I'm mature?  What in the Hell does that mean?  My goal is to think of something each day and remember how I felt about it.  Happy?  What was happening at that time?  How did I feel?  Was there a physical response?  The same thing applies to any other emotion.  For a few months now, I really think I've been trying to live like this.  More often than not, when a particular event has passed, I look back and think, 'no big deal.'  I know there is more to life than this, but am going to focus on it, and enjoy more. 

Saturday night at work, I lost my temper on a hostess that was merely attempting to communicate about a table that was going to be seated in my station.  The other team members loved it!  They loved that I finally did something with true emotion.  Sure, we joke around there, and I've had a few in depth conversations with a select few of my coworkers.  But for the whole team to see my flip, was highly entertaining for them.  I did my best to revisit the anger, to see what was the cause.  I was tired.  I hadn't had a day off in two weeks.  I was schedule off last Saturday, but picked it up for a sick coworker.  I was off today, and i did not work even though I need the money.  I was thrilled to stay home, and was less than pleased to have the stupid Country music that plays in the Steakhouse in my head.  I slept most of the day.

I made an mistake with Gram's today.  I felt awful.  I ventured out with the dogs, and was surprised it was so hot.  We took off in Gram's direction, and stopped in to see her.  She put her shoes on, and expected to leave.  We walked close to half a mile to an area that looks over the river and we sat there for a while.  I saw she was red, and suggested we get back.  I was kicking myself for not having water with us.  I didn't have my phone, either.  Remember?  This was a little trip with the dogs that became out of hand.  We made it back, but Gram's had to rest on the way back a few times, and the dogs and I were ready to collapse.  The wind!  My ball cap came off a few times.  I heard it had reached 70 MPH!  I barely made the walk back to our place.  We were all overheated and thirsty.  I feel terrible for putting Grams in such a position.  I called my mom and confessed to her, and she said it sounded like I did the right things.  And if the caregivers were worried about my Grams they would have called an ambulance for her.  So, for now, all's well that ends well.

Oh bla di, oh, blah da, life goes on.........

The annulment has been final for over a month now.  Did I mention it was granted by Alan's request and was based on financial fraud?  He claimed I married him only for money.  As if.  Everyone who truly knows me knows that I am not financially motivated.  I married that freak show purely for love, and his hands that have warmed me, and soothed me when I was awaiting surgery for herniated discs in my neck.  May I remind, you, gentle reader, that I did not go to court, so I can't complain about anything.  I will say, however, that nowhere in the documents was it stated that I want to return to my maiden name?

I heard from Alan's lawyer, and I have to write my own letter to the judge asking to change my name.  All I have to do is write a letter, and I haven't done it yet.  I was off work tonight, and chose to spend the evening with Grams.  I took her to DQ for a Blizzard, and she cried the whole way home, thanking me for getting her out.  I love her so very much.

Tomorrow is April First!  April Fool's!  I have mentioned to my niece and nephew that I will be stopping by tomorrow to bring them Sponge Cake.  I have actually frosted two sponges, covered them in sprinkles, and will swing by after school tomorrow to see the looks on their faces when they try to cut off a piece of it.  I will try to get video of that!

My dogs are living on the edge these days -I live on a Main Street now,and they are always on high alert as others walk by with their dogs.  There are teenage drinkers that sit on the concrete wall late at night, and I have another neighbor that calls the police, so I'm not too terribly worried.

The neighbor.  She's probably in her 60's, and retired.  She's pretty funny, but is generally over here a few times a day when I'm putting the dogs out.  It doesn't matter if I'm in my jammies at 7am, or it's 3:45 and I have to be at work by 4, she will stand there explaining any number of things to me about the neighborhood or city.  She has a good heart, and I realize that I will be her in 20 years or so, anyway.

It seems my whole family and I have geeked out on the Decorah Eagle cam.  The eagles have laid three eggs that are due to hatch any day. That's the attached link.
http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

Feeling somewhat defeated.

I did qualify for legal aid, but since I was not in a domestic abuse situation, I was pretty much told that they couldn't help me.  They have so many abuse situations needing help, that they are the only cases being taken at this time.  The paralegal that called tried to be helpful, but it was apparent that was my only phone call.  He did send me an email link to file a response to the court.  It does seem, though, that I will be expected to go to court to have this finalized.  I may call the husband's lawyer tomorrow to see if we change the grounds for divorce if we can just file and be done with this.  I really thought I wouldn't have to lay eyes on that former love of mine ever again. 

I called the city to see about getting some low cost counseling and was told to apply for Medicaid if I want any help.  Really?  I almost threw my phone across the front yard.  (I had gone outside as my nephew was throwing a hissy fit about homework.)

My coworker and I were told we sucked on Saturday night when we waited on the owner and his family and friends Saturday night.  He certainly expressed his displeasure to us when his party waited over 40 minutes for dinner.  Guess what?  That happens to everyone.  I don't know why he was so surprised; most of the feedback we get from the guests is how slow the service is.  I can't begin to count how many times I have ordered drinks for my guests, only to find the bartender is in the back talking to her favorite cook.  I did have lovely guests tonight, and I really need their generosity to add up so I can come up with the money I need to make my next move.  I was only schedule four shifts this week; I really need to be aggressive about picking up shifts and taking every table and room service I can possibly get.  I must be tip top for my interview on Thursday afternoon.

I miss my Grams; I haven't been feeling so hot, and I have avoided visiting her as to not infect her or any of the other residents.  I've been calling, but she's so busy that she's not often in her room.  She does have caller ID so she at least knows I've been trying to reach her.

I want to drown my sorrows in a cupcake!  I'm not spending any money.  Must save.

A Whole Lotta Nada

Alrighty, then.

I'm still working six nights a week at the hotel restaurant, and the Hillbilly Buffet continues. My sister coined that term, and she and I use it for laughs. This comes from the other servers eating the guests leftover food. This week finds me watching one of the big strapping fella I work with offering to pick up all the room service trays for us. That's always a generous offer. I call this server Jethro. He's just big and a really nice guy. He was emptying the trays, and boxing the leftovers for himself. He did eat some of it right there, but he did take some home. My trainer's table didn't finish their spinach dip, so she just took some bread from the kitchen and finished it for them. I just avoid them during these Hillbilly times. They think it's funny I don't want to join them.

I'm anticipating starting a second job orientation Monday. This is a nationwide chicken wing type place. In the meantime, I sleep til lunchtime most days. I am taking the dogs for longer walks in the evenings after work, and I half ass run a block or two. I love how that dogs look at me as, "Really? We're running?" They keep looking back at me as they trot.

Yesterday was one fo my favorite days; my niece woke me at 7am asking for scrambled eggs. We changed our minds and made french toast. She loves helping in the kitchen, especially cracking eggs. She's delighted to wash her hands and she lays everything out so she doesn't keep having to open the fridge. In restaurants, we call that mis en place. After I make breakfast for the family, I go back to sleep for a few more hours. It's glorious to sleep in a room without windows.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

I had a lovely weekend meeting these cousins from England. Heather is my mom's cousin, and she brought her funny husband, Graham. We had Taco soup for lunch prepared by mom yesterday, and I carefully made an apple pear crisp from the Barefoot Contessa television show as Heather has a gluten allergy. I made this crisp with almond flour, and did not realize that oatmeal has gluten proteins in it. She couldn't eat it, and I felt like an idiot for not researching better. She was an absolute sport. We had a full house, as Mom and Dad brought their dog, we had my two, and my brother's. We also had another cousin who lives only half an hour away.

Today, we went to see Grams for Grandparents Day at her memory care facility. The staff there put on an ice cream social. They even had set up a topping bar off to one side. Oh, so fancy! We had a lovely visit. It was sad that Grams kept telling Heather how nice it was to meet her. She usually knows who her British relatives are. My sister in laws family is visiting today, and they brought their two dogs. So, that's five dogs each day here. God bless my sister in law, she wasn't a pet person until a few years ago, and as a farm type girl, she's not used to animals in the house.

This house is so full of love! I'm happy to have landed here.