I am....... Comfortably numb

I haven't been to therapy for almost two months.  I am getting ready to pay this months rent, and with car payments, phone, pet care, etc, I haven't spent the money for it.  Don't get me wrong, I still eat out nearly every meal.  I just can't bring myself to cook.

I love my therapist.  She's a delight, and I love that she cusses when she speaks of my ex husband.  One of the last things we discussed was making the effort to feel everything.  She says I internalize everything.  I used to be a complete hothead that would scream anything at any time.  Maybe I'm mature?  What in the Hell does that mean?  My goal is to think of something each day and remember how I felt about it.  Happy?  What was happening at that time?  How did I feel?  Was there a physical response?  The same thing applies to any other emotion.  For a few months now, I really think I've been trying to live like this.  More often than not, when a particular event has passed, I look back and think, 'no big deal.'  I know there is more to life than this, but am going to focus on it, and enjoy more. 

Saturday night at work, I lost my temper on a hostess that was merely attempting to communicate about a table that was going to be seated in my station.  The other team members loved it!  They loved that I finally did something with true emotion.  Sure, we joke around there, and I've had a few in depth conversations with a select few of my coworkers.  But for the whole team to see my flip, was highly entertaining for them.  I did my best to revisit the anger, to see what was the cause.  I was tired.  I hadn't had a day off in two weeks.  I was schedule off last Saturday, but picked it up for a sick coworker.  I was off today, and i did not work even though I need the money.  I was thrilled to stay home, and was less than pleased to have the stupid Country music that plays in the Steakhouse in my head.  I slept most of the day.

I made an mistake with Gram's today.  I felt awful.  I ventured out with the dogs, and was surprised it was so hot.  We took off in Gram's direction, and stopped in to see her.  She put her shoes on, and expected to leave.  We walked close to half a mile to an area that looks over the river and we sat there for a while.  I saw she was red, and suggested we get back.  I was kicking myself for not having water with us.  I didn't have my phone, either.  Remember?  This was a little trip with the dogs that became out of hand.  We made it back, but Gram's had to rest on the way back a few times, and the dogs and I were ready to collapse.  The wind!  My ball cap came off a few times.  I heard it had reached 70 MPH!  I barely made the walk back to our place.  We were all overheated and thirsty.  I feel terrible for putting Grams in such a position.  I called my mom and confessed to her, and she said it sounded like I did the right things.  And if the caregivers were worried about my Grams they would have called an ambulance for her.  So, for now, all's well that ends well.