I am....... Comfortably numb

I haven't been to therapy for almost two months.  I am getting ready to pay this months rent, and with car payments, phone, pet care, etc, I haven't spent the money for it.  Don't get me wrong, I still eat out nearly every meal.  I just can't bring myself to cook.

I love my therapist.  She's a delight, and I love that she cusses when she speaks of my ex husband.  One of the last things we discussed was making the effort to feel everything.  She says I internalize everything.  I used to be a complete hothead that would scream anything at any time.  Maybe I'm mature?  What in the Hell does that mean?  My goal is to think of something each day and remember how I felt about it.  Happy?  What was happening at that time?  How did I feel?  Was there a physical response?  The same thing applies to any other emotion.  For a few months now, I really think I've been trying to live like this.  More often than not, when a particular event has passed, I look back and think, 'no big deal.'  I know there is more to life than this, but am going to focus on it, and enjoy more. 

Saturday night at work, I lost my temper on a hostess that was merely attempting to communicate about a table that was going to be seated in my station.  The other team members loved it!  They loved that I finally did something with true emotion.  Sure, we joke around there, and I've had a few in depth conversations with a select few of my coworkers.  But for the whole team to see my flip, was highly entertaining for them.  I did my best to revisit the anger, to see what was the cause.  I was tired.  I hadn't had a day off in two weeks.  I was schedule off last Saturday, but picked it up for a sick coworker.  I was off today, and i did not work even though I need the money.  I was thrilled to stay home, and was less than pleased to have the stupid Country music that plays in the Steakhouse in my head.  I slept most of the day.

I made an mistake with Gram's today.  I felt awful.  I ventured out with the dogs, and was surprised it was so hot.  We took off in Gram's direction, and stopped in to see her.  She put her shoes on, and expected to leave.  We walked close to half a mile to an area that looks over the river and we sat there for a while.  I saw she was red, and suggested we get back.  I was kicking myself for not having water with us.  I didn't have my phone, either.  Remember?  This was a little trip with the dogs that became out of hand.  We made it back, but Gram's had to rest on the way back a few times, and the dogs and I were ready to collapse.  The wind!  My ball cap came off a few times.  I heard it had reached 70 MPH!  I barely made the walk back to our place.  We were all overheated and thirsty.  I feel terrible for putting Grams in such a position.  I called my mom and confessed to her, and she said it sounded like I did the right things.  And if the caregivers were worried about my Grams they would have called an ambulance for her.  So, for now, all's well that ends well.

So..... A few new happenings

I received an unexpected text from my husband last week letting me know I will continue to have health insurance for as long as we're married. I thanked him via text, and quickly made an appointment to see a therapist, not knowing how long I would have the luxury of insurance. I did find a very nice therapist in a very short time, and she saw me promptly. Her office is within a doctor's office, and at her suggestion made another appointment for that afternoon for an antidepresant. There was a run in with insurance getting the prescription, but all is well now.

While I was struggling with Walgreen's, I did reach out to the husband asking for help. I nearly passed out at how helpful he was. Perhaps he enjoyed knowing I was seeking help in some way, maybe he does still care. It was strangely reassuring in some way to hear his voice sound so sweet. I've always been afraid of setting him off, and now, I'm struggling when he sounds kind. He asked about the dogs and cat, my family, and my job. He asked if I was in any hurry to divorce. I'm not, and told him so. He asked to hold off for a time, as he's buried at work and needs to keep his focus there. I agreed, as I'm somewhat sympatheic toward him and do want to continue therapy. I'm not sure if it's win-win or not, but it seems good for now.

We found out today that my eight year old nephew needs tubes in his ears for the third time. Poor bugger. He has had a very small hearing loss recently, too. That surgery is scheduled for the beginning of October.

Today was Grams' 84th birthday. Mom, Dad, brother and sister in law took her to a BBQ place for lunch, and they all met up again for frozen yogurt while I went to a meeting at work. The niece and nephew were able to join as it was after school by that time.

I finally received a paycheck for the past few weeks at this latest job. Just enough for a car payment and gas for the car. I'm still waiting to begin a second job; the orientation date keeps getting pushed back. I really need a money tree. It will work out. I know. I believe, too.