Yeah, so I'm still not made of money, and I have gone without the internet for over three months. I could blog from my phone, but there is nothing therapeutic in using my phone to sort things out. I'm hoping to give myself a new computer for Christmas, and use free wireless when I can. What have you missed?
In no particular order;
*Contemplating suicide, but getting help
*Trip to Texas to surprise my sister
*New baby niece
*Prozac
*Kissed a boy in a drunken haze
*Basement flooded
I may add to this and elaborate in a future blog, as wireless networks allow.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Alzheimer's Disease Sucks Ass on Every Possible Level.
My poor Grams is a wreck. She is convinced that my mom is stealing from her, and that the staff at her facility is stealing her cookies that came from our cousin in England. I've seen where she has stashed them, and I'm amazed she can find them to even say they are missing.
I missed a call from her while I was at work, and when I returned her call, she was loaded for bear. She stated that I am the 'biggest disappointment of her life'. That title is generally reserved for my Mom. Ordinarily, I am her 'Saving Grace.' or 'Lifesaver.' I have always toed the line between my Mom and Grams when it comes to my Grams being in a memory care facility. She is convinced that my mom has 'dumped her' to get control of her money. We have never told her how much it costs for her to stay there; it's nearly $4000.00 a month. She could have been 'dumped' anywhere that costs considerably less and further away from all of us. She is in the very best place in the entire Midwest. Today I was shunned for not attacking my Mom with her. After I clocked out, I went by to give her a hug, and she just cried about how I let her down. It's the disease. I've lost her to this - rotting of her brain. She didn't have a stroke and die, or a heart attack. She's as healthy as a horse, and she will die not knowing what is happening to her. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
She has refused to eat tonight. Fine. She'll live. She told me she wants to die tonight. She states she will never eat again. The staff will put her in a hospital, and she will lose what's left of her dignity. I told her no matter where she ends up, I will always visit. The CNA there sort of told me these episodes are part of dealing with Alzheimer's. The staff had called the doctor on call to ask for a pill to calm her tonight. I guess she had a standing order for one, but since she never needed it, they did not renew the order. They were going to add the Ativan to her nightly pills as to not let her think they were going to drug her. That's another accusation she has from time to time. That the staff tries to medicate everyone to turn them in to zombies. She often points to other residents and tells me that they are over medicated.
Screw Alzheimer's! I want my Grams!
I missed a call from her while I was at work, and when I returned her call, she was loaded for bear. She stated that I am the 'biggest disappointment of her life'. That title is generally reserved for my Mom. Ordinarily, I am her 'Saving Grace.' or 'Lifesaver.' I have always toed the line between my Mom and Grams when it comes to my Grams being in a memory care facility. She is convinced that my mom has 'dumped her' to get control of her money. We have never told her how much it costs for her to stay there; it's nearly $4000.00 a month. She could have been 'dumped' anywhere that costs considerably less and further away from all of us. She is in the very best place in the entire Midwest. Today I was shunned for not attacking my Mom with her. After I clocked out, I went by to give her a hug, and she just cried about how I let her down. It's the disease. I've lost her to this - rotting of her brain. She didn't have a stroke and die, or a heart attack. She's as healthy as a horse, and she will die not knowing what is happening to her. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
She has refused to eat tonight. Fine. She'll live. She told me she wants to die tonight. She states she will never eat again. The staff will put her in a hospital, and she will lose what's left of her dignity. I told her no matter where she ends up, I will always visit. The CNA there sort of told me these episodes are part of dealing with Alzheimer's. The staff had called the doctor on call to ask for a pill to calm her tonight. I guess she had a standing order for one, but since she never needed it, they did not renew the order. They were going to add the Ativan to her nightly pills as to not let her think they were going to drug her. That's another accusation she has from time to time. That the staff tries to medicate everyone to turn them in to zombies. She often points to other residents and tells me that they are over medicated.
Screw Alzheimer's! I want my Grams!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Dogs are Rescues
I have always been vocal about adopting my pets. One dog came from the Humane Society in Nebraska, and I was fostering another dog and decided to keep him. I'm called a 'Foster Flunky.' I'm perfectly alright with that. My cat came from a shoe box in a covered mail box in Kansas City. Imagine my surprise when I made this my Facebook status
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend
I took my niece to get her ears pierced this week. She was awesome! Not a peep or tear. My sister in law let me take her after we had a conversation about it last weekend. I had always teased my niece about getting it done, and she had always refused. I asked her this time, and she said she was ready. The best part was when she stated she had been trying to do it herself with a pencil, and that wasn't working. She was ready!
I lost three pounds last week. Hooray!
I'm working doubles all weekend, including tomorrow. We weren't very busy, but I'm grateful for the money I've made. It's not enough to retire, though. Dang. I need to register my car here this week, but so many other bills are first. Fingers crossed that I don't get pulled over in the meantime.
The Red Sox are in first place! I'm about ready to pass out that the Yankees have to be dying inside just a little bit. I lived in the Boston area for a little over five years.
My brothers are Veterans, and I thank God every day that they are home safely with their families. My Grandfathers are on my mind at this time, along with all the others who have given their lives for our freedom.
The poor people of Joplin, MO are in my thoughts after the unreal tornado that destroyed over 70% of the town. A few friends and acquaintances have gone to help the victims. One is a nurse, and I have seen such sad pictures from her, and others have gone to help the displaced pets. They emptied the shelter of adoptable animals, making room for the ones that need a place for now. I'm humbled by all of them. I did scuba certification in Joplin; it's a nice place. I hope they are able to recover quickly.
Friday, May 20, 2011
This and That
I haven't been doing any blogging lately. I've been thinking about a few things here and there but have not been doing anything with them.
One thing that was mentioned in the last post but not fully explained, is that when I was a spazz about where to put the bed in my bedroom is that if I had put the bed where the room had been designed to, my bed would have been in the same place where the last tenant died. I forgot to say that.
I realized that I have lost twenty pounds from this time last year. I'm feeling good and have enjoyed wearing some clothes that didn't fit so well last year. I'm disgusted by the cold and rain we've had for months now, as I have yet to wear the springy dresses I bought in March. Seriously, Mother Nature! This cold and rain has messed with me getting out and about, and I gained three pounds last week. I did drink last week, too. I'm happy to say that I have been going out after work with a few coworkers from the steak house.
Have I mentioned that I left the hotel? In a blaze of glory, I might add. To put it lightly, 'I am not eligible for rehire'. Guess what? I'll live. My manager was thrilled to have me full time, and she has scheduled me with full time hours.
I still haven't heard anything from my ex husband, and for some twisted reason, I keep expecting to. When does that go away?
I'm sickened to have learned that my dear friend of over twenty years and his wife are separating after she cheated on him. I have always loved this woman from the moment I was introduced to her, and I want to punch her in the throat at this time. They have two young boys, and own a business together. What a mess. I wish I was closer to my home town so I could make casseroles and cookies for them. The boys, not her. I will 'unfriend' her on Facebook just as soon as they make their announcement to the boys. I am tempted to write unpleasant things to her at this time, but have not. Yay for maturity.
It's the end of the school year, and both my niece and nephew had field trip days this past week, and I was thrilled to be invited to both of them. I went to a petting zoo and conservation event for the nephew, and a day at the park for the niece. Good times. Next week, I will spend the day with the niece while she's out of school and her folks work. Summer camp starts soon.
I hope to report a weight loss next week Fingers crossed!
One thing that was mentioned in the last post but not fully explained, is that when I was a spazz about where to put the bed in my bedroom is that if I had put the bed where the room had been designed to, my bed would have been in the same place where the last tenant died. I forgot to say that.
Have I mentioned that I left the hotel? In a blaze of glory, I might add. To put it lightly, 'I am not eligible for rehire'. Guess what? I'll live. My manager was thrilled to have me full time, and she has scheduled me with full time hours.
I still haven't heard anything from my ex husband, and for some twisted reason, I keep expecting to. When does that go away?
I'm sickened to have learned that my dear friend of over twenty years and his wife are separating after she cheated on him. I have always loved this woman from the moment I was introduced to her, and I want to punch her in the throat at this time. They have two young boys, and own a business together. What a mess. I wish I was closer to my home town so I could make casseroles and cookies for them. The boys, not her. I will 'unfriend' her on Facebook just as soon as they make their announcement to the boys. I am tempted to write unpleasant things to her at this time, but have not. Yay for maturity.
It's the end of the school year, and both my niece and nephew had field trip days this past week, and I was thrilled to be invited to both of them. I went to a petting zoo and conservation event for the nephew, and a day at the park for the niece. Good times. Next week, I will spend the day with the niece while she's out of school and her folks work. Summer camp starts soon.
I hope to report a weight loss next week Fingers crossed!
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Great Big Bite of a Reality Sandwich
I've been half assed joking about having a ghost in this single girl villa, as I find cupboard doors open sometimes, and different locks engaged at different times. I was almost frantic in my insistence that my bed not be in the intended spot. I needed the room to be set up differently than others might do. More on that in a paragraph or two. (We bloggers call this foreshadowing.)
Tuesday afternoon, I took the dogs to Grams' place to let on of her co residents play with them. She has begged me to leave them for her in the past. I went to have my hair done, the grey hairs are gone for now. I came home to find the kitchen door had been forced open. Even better, the deadbolt was still engaged. The door frame was split in a few places. Nothing was missing, and I truly credit the dogs for deterring anyone from coming in. I called the police, and they flipped the place pretty good to see if anyone was hiding in here. One cop in particular was kind, and offered a few ideas on better locks. He was not wearing a wedding ring, and my neighbor has been suggesting ever since that my next husband should be in law enforcement.
The neighbors. Quite a few came out to see what three police cars were doing in front of my place. One lady remarked that she hasn't seen so much action here 'since the last lady that lived here died.' I kid you not! In speaking to the girl upstairs, and the boys in the next apartment, I found out that woman who lived here died in her bed, apparently having drank herself to death. Color me shocked. I asked a realtor friend if full disclosure was required in a rental status. He responded that it's not required in a rental situation, and apologized if in fact, I had rented the Manson Mansion. I came back with I rented the Leaving Las Vegas Villa.
I will be burning some sage right away, and hoping for a little more peace around here.
Tuesday afternoon, I took the dogs to Grams' place to let on of her co residents play with them. She has begged me to leave them for her in the past. I went to have my hair done, the grey hairs are gone for now. I came home to find the kitchen door had been forced open. Even better, the deadbolt was still engaged. The door frame was split in a few places. Nothing was missing, and I truly credit the dogs for deterring anyone from coming in. I called the police, and they flipped the place pretty good to see if anyone was hiding in here. One cop in particular was kind, and offered a few ideas on better locks. He was not wearing a wedding ring, and my neighbor has been suggesting ever since that my next husband should be in law enforcement.
The neighbors. Quite a few came out to see what three police cars were doing in front of my place. One lady remarked that she hasn't seen so much action here 'since the last lady that lived here died.' I kid you not! In speaking to the girl upstairs, and the boys in the next apartment, I found out that woman who lived here died in her bed, apparently having drank herself to death. Color me shocked. I asked a realtor friend if full disclosure was required in a rental status. He responded that it's not required in a rental situation, and apologized if in fact, I had rented the Manson Mansion. I came back with I rented the Leaving Las Vegas Villa.
I will be burning some sage right away, and hoping for a little more peace around here.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I am....... Comfortably numb
I haven't been to therapy for almost two months. I am getting ready to pay this months rent, and with car payments, phone, pet care, etc, I haven't spent the money for it. Don't get me wrong, I still eat out nearly every meal. I just can't bring myself to cook.
I love my therapist. She's a delight, and I love that she cusses when she speaks of my ex husband. One of the last things we discussed was making the effort to feel everything. She says I internalize everything. I used to be a complete hothead that would scream anything at any time. Maybe I'm mature? What in the Hell does that mean? My goal is to think of something each day and remember how I felt about it. Happy? What was happening at that time? How did I feel? Was there a physical response? The same thing applies to any other emotion. For a few months now, I really think I've been trying to live like this. More often than not, when a particular event has passed, I look back and think, 'no big deal.' I know there is more to life than this, but am going to focus on it, and enjoy more.
Saturday night at work, I lost my temper on a hostess that was merely attempting to communicate about a table that was going to be seated in my station. The other team members loved it! They loved that I finally did something with true emotion. Sure, we joke around there, and I've had a few in depth conversations with a select few of my coworkers. But for the whole team to see my flip, was highly entertaining for them. I did my best to revisit the anger, to see what was the cause. I was tired. I hadn't had a day off in two weeks. I was schedule off last Saturday, but picked it up for a sick coworker. I was off today, and i did not work even though I need the money. I was thrilled to stay home, and was less than pleased to have the stupid Country music that plays in the Steakhouse in my head. I slept most of the day.
I made an mistake with Gram's today. I felt awful. I ventured out with the dogs, and was surprised it was so hot. We took off in Gram's direction, and stopped in to see her. She put her shoes on, and expected to leave. We walked close to half a mile to an area that looks over the river and we sat there for a while. I saw she was red, and suggested we get back. I was kicking myself for not having water with us. I didn't have my phone, either. Remember? This was a little trip with the dogs that became out of hand. We made it back, but Gram's had to rest on the way back a few times, and the dogs and I were ready to collapse. The wind! My ball cap came off a few times. I heard it had reached 70 MPH! I barely made the walk back to our place. We were all overheated and thirsty. I feel terrible for putting Grams in such a position. I called my mom and confessed to her, and she said it sounded like I did the right things. And if the caregivers were worried about my Grams they would have called an ambulance for her. So, for now, all's well that ends well.
I love my therapist. She's a delight, and I love that she cusses when she speaks of my ex husband. One of the last things we discussed was making the effort to feel everything. She says I internalize everything. I used to be a complete hothead that would scream anything at any time. Maybe I'm mature? What in the Hell does that mean? My goal is to think of something each day and remember how I felt about it. Happy? What was happening at that time? How did I feel? Was there a physical response? The same thing applies to any other emotion. For a few months now, I really think I've been trying to live like this. More often than not, when a particular event has passed, I look back and think, 'no big deal.' I know there is more to life than this, but am going to focus on it, and enjoy more.
Saturday night at work, I lost my temper on a hostess that was merely attempting to communicate about a table that was going to be seated in my station. The other team members loved it! They loved that I finally did something with true emotion. Sure, we joke around there, and I've had a few in depth conversations with a select few of my coworkers. But for the whole team to see my flip, was highly entertaining for them. I did my best to revisit the anger, to see what was the cause. I was tired. I hadn't had a day off in two weeks. I was schedule off last Saturday, but picked it up for a sick coworker. I was off today, and i did not work even though I need the money. I was thrilled to stay home, and was less than pleased to have the stupid Country music that plays in the Steakhouse in my head. I slept most of the day.
I made an mistake with Gram's today. I felt awful. I ventured out with the dogs, and was surprised it was so hot. We took off in Gram's direction, and stopped in to see her. She put her shoes on, and expected to leave. We walked close to half a mile to an area that looks over the river and we sat there for a while. I saw she was red, and suggested we get back. I was kicking myself for not having water with us. I didn't have my phone, either. Remember? This was a little trip with the dogs that became out of hand. We made it back, but Gram's had to rest on the way back a few times, and the dogs and I were ready to collapse. The wind! My ball cap came off a few times. I heard it had reached 70 MPH! I barely made the walk back to our place. We were all overheated and thirsty. I feel terrible for putting Grams in such a position. I called my mom and confessed to her, and she said it sounded like I did the right things. And if the caregivers were worried about my Grams they would have called an ambulance for her. So, for now, all's well that ends well.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)