I feel like screaming - seriously.

Now is the time I'm wishing I had started taking the antidepressant that was prescribed over a week ago.  I really don't know why I have been resisting, but I fear I'm nearing a breaking point.  It's the same things, really.  I hate wondering when the money for the next bag of dog food is coming from my tips, because we get so few cash tips, and the credit card tips are paid by check.  I hate waiting two weeks to collect tips.  I hate that my husband and I were getting along for a few days, and he turned nasty again tonight.  I hate that I'm not surprised.  I'm angry that I'm 41 and my time of the month is only getting worse over time.  I mentioned this to the doctor during my last visit and she seemed to chuckle as she says that's usually what happens.  I hate that I'm considering the Pill after all these years just to keep it under control.  I hate that everything is making me cry these days, I can chalk some of it up to PMS, and some of it the stress of divorce looming, and my poor eating habits.  I was expecting to start a new, second job this week, but that manager told me today that they're not ready to train me at this time.  He's been blowing me off long enough.  I have to start looking elsewhere to make more money, so I can get out of this basement.  My brother and his family are absolutely awesome, there is no doubt about it.  When my sister in law's mom was divorcing last year, she stayed here, too.  The general divorce rule here now is a six month stay, according to the brother.

I love that I really wanted to come home after a busy night at work frustrated by a lack of cash, and an angry text from the husband, to work on a blog.  I already perused Facebook, crying at a photo of a dog a rescue group saved today, and labored over what photo to attach to this post.  I want this blog to be a little bit on the anonymous side, so I'm using photos I've found using on Google.  My one follower knows who I am - and that's good for now.  I asked to take the night off from work tomorrow to go watch a movie with my Grams; the home where she resides is showing one.  The nurses have promised me candy, so I'm happy to attend.  I adore spending time with her.  I love her friends there, and am happy to chat them up, too. 

I want to do start church again, I think.  I was baptized and raised in the Methodist church, and there is one nearby; I can certainly try to attend again.  Maybe I can do some volunteer work there.  I'm certainly good for cupcakes for a bake sale.  I used to love hanging with the little children at Vacation Bible School as a teen, and was in choir.   Stay tuned on that one.

On an unrelated note, I couldn't help but chuckle that the owner of the Segway company seems to have accidentally driven his Segway off a cliff and died.  Is that irony?  Would he have lived if he hadn't bought the company?

I'm settling now that the cat is asleep next to me, and the dogs are snoring a few feet away.  There's no place like home.

A Whole Lotta Nada

Alrighty, then.

I'm still working six nights a week at the hotel restaurant, and the Hillbilly Buffet continues. My sister coined that term, and she and I use it for laughs. This comes from the other servers eating the guests leftover food. This week finds me watching one of the big strapping fella I work with offering to pick up all the room service trays for us. That's always a generous offer. I call this server Jethro. He's just big and a really nice guy. He was emptying the trays, and boxing the leftovers for himself. He did eat some of it right there, but he did take some home. My trainer's table didn't finish their spinach dip, so she just took some bread from the kitchen and finished it for them. I just avoid them during these Hillbilly times. They think it's funny I don't want to join them.

I'm anticipating starting a second job orientation Monday. This is a nationwide chicken wing type place. In the meantime, I sleep til lunchtime most days. I am taking the dogs for longer walks in the evenings after work, and I half ass run a block or two. I love how that dogs look at me as, "Really? We're running?" They keep looking back at me as they trot.

Yesterday was one fo my favorite days; my niece woke me at 7am asking for scrambled eggs. We changed our minds and made french toast. She loves helping in the kitchen, especially cracking eggs. She's delighted to wash her hands and she lays everything out so she doesn't keep having to open the fridge. In restaurants, we call that mis en place. After I make breakfast for the family, I go back to sleep for a few more hours. It's glorious to sleep in a room without windows.

So..... A few new happenings

I received an unexpected text from my husband last week letting me know I will continue to have health insurance for as long as we're married. I thanked him via text, and quickly made an appointment to see a therapist, not knowing how long I would have the luxury of insurance. I did find a very nice therapist in a very short time, and she saw me promptly. Her office is within a doctor's office, and at her suggestion made another appointment for that afternoon for an antidepresant. There was a run in with insurance getting the prescription, but all is well now.

While I was struggling with Walgreen's, I did reach out to the husband asking for help. I nearly passed out at how helpful he was. Perhaps he enjoyed knowing I was seeking help in some way, maybe he does still care. It was strangely reassuring in some way to hear his voice sound so sweet. I've always been afraid of setting him off, and now, I'm struggling when he sounds kind. He asked about the dogs and cat, my family, and my job. He asked if I was in any hurry to divorce. I'm not, and told him so. He asked to hold off for a time, as he's buried at work and needs to keep his focus there. I agreed, as I'm somewhat sympatheic toward him and do want to continue therapy. I'm not sure if it's win-win or not, but it seems good for now.

We found out today that my eight year old nephew needs tubes in his ears for the third time. Poor bugger. He has had a very small hearing loss recently, too. That surgery is scheduled for the beginning of October.

Today was Grams' 84th birthday. Mom, Dad, brother and sister in law took her to a BBQ place for lunch, and they all met up again for frozen yogurt while I went to a meeting at work. The niece and nephew were able to join as it was after school by that time.

I finally received a paycheck for the past few weeks at this latest job. Just enough for a car payment and gas for the car. I'm still waiting to begin a second job; the orientation date keeps getting pushed back. I really need a money tree. It will work out. I know. I believe, too.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

I had a lovely weekend meeting these cousins from England. Heather is my mom's cousin, and she brought her funny husband, Graham. We had Taco soup for lunch prepared by mom yesterday, and I carefully made an apple pear crisp from the Barefoot Contessa television show as Heather has a gluten allergy. I made this crisp with almond flour, and did not realize that oatmeal has gluten proteins in it. She couldn't eat it, and I felt like an idiot for not researching better. She was an absolute sport. We had a full house, as Mom and Dad brought their dog, we had my two, and my brother's. We also had another cousin who lives only half an hour away.

Today, we went to see Grams for Grandparents Day at her memory care facility. The staff there put on an ice cream social. They even had set up a topping bar off to one side. Oh, so fancy! We had a lovely visit. It was sad that Grams kept telling Heather how nice it was to meet her. She usually knows who her British relatives are. My sister in laws family is visiting today, and they brought their two dogs. So, that's five dogs each day here. God bless my sister in law, she wasn't a pet person until a few years ago, and as a farm type girl, she's not used to animals in the house.

This house is so full of love! I'm happy to have landed here.

I also work in a restaurant

Here I am in this new city, and I am a server again. Oh, I've served over the years, and I've also been a bartender, hostess,and manager. This place is touted as the best in this city, and I want to die from embarrassment during each shift. The first few shifts, I was aghast at my 'trainer' as she read the features from her notebook. She calls them specials. There is nothing special about what the chefs serve there. And they are not chefs. Plates are splattered with food, and everything is finished in the microwave. The thing that amazes me most is the servers that eat food from the guests plates if it is returned to the kitchen. Don't like your calamari? These servers will put it on the back table and pick at it for the remainder of the evening. It's horrifying, really. That's one way to get Hepatitis.

Here I am - A blogger. maybe?

Tada!
I'm starting a blog. I doubt I will solve any of our world's problems here, but it's certainly cheaper than therapy, right?

I left my husband less than a year after being married. I'm staying with family while I get back on my feet, and am grateful each and every day for feeling free once again. Families rock! I'm going to meet some cousins from England next weekend - they are my mom's cousins, I think.

I'm no writer. We'll see where this goes.