Is it worth it?

Today is Tuesday, and it's been a few days since I called my marital state to see about getting legal aid in my divorce.  I'm still truly bothered by the fact I'm being sued for fraud or divorce.  I could have sued him first for abuse, but didn't.  I may have mentioned earlier that we had agreed to a no contest divorce.  The lady I spoke to at the legal aid office said they would make a decision as to whether or not I'm eligible for assistance in 3-5 business days.  I'm just waiting.

I truly don't understand if for whatever I don't get approved for aid, if I should just sign the paperwork and be done with it.  Just be divorced.  Or annulled.  What kind of permanent record is there for divorce?  I know divorces are public record, but what about the fraud part?  Will that be made public?  Will people just know the details of my divorce?  Of course, these are also questions for a lawyer, assuming I can get one.  When I return to my maiden name, will I also have to continue to say I also had my married name?  I know, I know, a question for the lawyers.  I will have to wait to hear from the husband's attorney to see if he is even still employed.  If he did quit to move home to tend his mom, I'd be trying to get blood from a turnip.  I had considered trying to get a portion of his annual bonus to help me begin again, but that would also be off the table.

I was speaking to a dear friend last night and began sobbing as I told her I may have moved on by deciding I pretty much hated my husband last night for the pain he caused, for the times he had screamed at me, and chased me through the house as I tried to avoid his anger.  My dogs hid from him, too, as they huddled together on their couch.  I used to always forgive him as he cried and apologized, but I could never forget.  I had another wave of relief this morning as I woke up and was thankful that no one has raised their voice to me in three months.  Three months now I have been broke as hell, lonely, depressed, and frustrated, but I have also been relaxed, loved, respected, and thanked by both family and coworkers.  I haven't had any health flare ups, and have been slightly more motivated to be more active.  I love how excited the dogs get to see my pull out my hot pink iPod - that means we're going out!